I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. –Romans 8:18

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. –Romans 5:3-4

I sit here, wanting to write so much but feeling completely at a loss for words.  My heart and my head are in a battle, struggling to understand situations loved ones are facing.  As I flip through my journals from the past year, I am again overwhelmed by the outpouring of unconditional love and support my family received last year.  I have much more to say about that, and will in the coming weeks.

In September of last year, I first documented my prayers for my cousin’s husband (though I had been praying for him prior to this).  In recent months, beginning when they were faced with an incredibly grim diagnosis, I prayed for him daily…multiple times a day…for healing.  God answered not only my prayers, but the prayers of many other individuals interceding for him.  He allowed my cousin and her husband to create memories over the holidays, He healed him to a point where they were able to travel.  God is good!  The past week, however, has been incredibly difficult for them.  His doctors have given him a few weeks to live and it is believed hospice will be contacted soon.  My heart is broken for my cousin, and for her husband.

Today, I spoke with a friend about her husband’s diagnosis.  They found multiple spots they believe to be cancer, possibly a form of lymphoma.  My heart broke for her while I listened to her.  I have been praying for him since she told me he would be undergoing tests, and have friends interceding for him as well.

I struggle with wanting to control things – from minute, boring daily details to the big stuff.  I want to take the pain away from these loved ones.  My heart breaks just thinking about the pain they are going through.  Though each situation is different, we all have our darkest moments.  For me, it was the conversation with my doctor on the phone almost a year ago.  I remember the pain of hearing those words like it was yesterday, and I cannot talk about my pregnancy with Caitlin without crying.  I’m not sure I ever will.  In the moments following that conversation, it felt like fear of the unknown and grief over what may be would consume me.

I also remember vividly my conversation with my friend that changed my course.  After I hung up with my husband, I immediately called her and broke down.  God led me to her, almost a year before this pregnancy, and she told me to pray.  I prayed harder that day than I ever had in my life.  God gave me peace in the days following.  They were the hardest days of my life, and I cried every single day.  In the middle of that storm, I turned to God and received peace.

It is so incredibly difficult for me to grasp that it’s not my job to understand why God is putting my loved ones through these trials, or why it appears He is going to be taking one of His home soon.  I pray for healing, and I pray for peace.  I know how devastating terrible news can be, and I know what peace in a storm feels like.

I know this isn’t very coherent and I have jumped around.  These thoughts have consumed me lately, and the weight of wanting to help but not knowing how beside praying has taken a toll.  I have been less motivated to read Scripture, less motivated to make time to be in God’s word.  I continue to pray for these individuals, but need to spend more time in prayer.  I should know, from my experience, the power of prayer.  The interceding others did for my family a year ago brought me the peace that I hope my loved ones feel.  So I am asking you, anyone who reads this, to take a moment and pray for my loved ones.  They are likely in the darkest storm of their lives and need a shining Light.  God is good, His plan is perfect.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. –Romans 12:12

You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. –Psalm 59:17



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