“Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.” –Psalm 62:8
Those closest to me know I’ve been struggling with our recent move. I don’t understand why God wants us here. I am sad that He called us to leave the community that supported us through so much. I miss my friends and my routine terribly. I know good things are in store for us; my head and my heart are in disagreement right now.
On top of this, I’ve had some really tough parenting days with my middle child. He’s feisty, and we butt heads a lot. This morning, I just reached a breaking point. I cried a lot. We had our good moments, and then we had our bad moments. During my youngest’s nap, I forced him to have some quiet time in his room where he blissfully fell asleep. And then I fell apart. I didn’t want to read my Bible, I didn’t want to pray. I just wanted this problem to be fixed, quickly. I knew in my head this was a strategy of the enemy trying to separate me from God. So I forced myself to my knees and to pray. After I prayed, I picked up my Bible and flipped through Psalms. Psalm 62 stood out to me, as I had circled some marks on it. I sat on my bed and cried when I got to Psalm 62:8. Using that verse, again I prayed – I poured my heart. I told Him that my head and my heart were in disagreement. I read Scripture and I know the truth of His Word, so in my head I knew He is with me…but it didn’t feel that way. I felt alone. Isolated. Torn from the community that I relied on for so long in times like these. Friends who would encourage me, build me up, and all in God’s name. I felt abandoned by God.
After pouring my heart out to God, I read through some more Psalms and settled on Psalm 69. I noted in my Bible that today, I feel like David did when he wrote:
“I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters;
and the flood sweeps over me.”
Later in Psalm 69, David prayed to God and asked that “at an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness” (Psalm 69:13). An acceptable time…in God’s timing. He heard me. He knew my heart before I poured it out to Him, and He knows I am struggling. And in His time, He will let me know why I am in these deep waters.
In the meantime, He is using his earthly angels to reach me and remind me I’m not alone. Last week, I felt incredibly isolated and received a beautiful text from a sweet friend back home. Today, I opened a beautiful card from a wonderful friend just wanting to brighten my day. I had a conversation with my new neighbor about how hard parenting can be, and she encouraged me with some new strategies. Over the past six weeks when I have felt lonely and isolated, He has used my community to reach out to me and encourage me.
Maybe you’ve been where I am. When you know God is with you, because that’s what Scripture tells us, but you don’t feel Him. Your head knows you aren’t walking alone, but your heart feels abandoned. Know that you are NOT alone. God is with you, and those are the times to get down on your knees and pour your heart out to God. Look for Him in your surroundings: your friends, your community, your family. Tell Him what you need. Pick up your Bible and read through Psalms.
Our heads and hearts may not always be in agreement, and therein lies danger. I felt it today – I felt the urge to just ignore my God, my Rock. I felt the urge to continue to try doing this alone. That’s the strategy of the enemy. He wants us to separate ourselves from God. Push through. Pray through. And know you aren’t alone.
Note: A year later, I am in the exact same place but for a different reason. After spending a year grieving the loss of the community I so love and wondering why we were called to move to Ohio, we suddenly lost a beloved family member. And so, a year later, here I am . . . again forcing my head to take over when my heart just can’t understand. God works in wonderful ways, and my own struggle from a year ago gives me hope because I finally overcame the feelings of abandonment and wondering to have a deeper relationship with my Savior. I know if I continue to push through and turn to Him, and to distract the enemy’s attempts to knock me off my path using the circumstances around me, I will make it through this with a stronger, deeper faith. If you are in a rough spot, hold tight to the Truth. I’d love to pray for you. Message me if you need an extra person praying you through your storm. Blessings ❤