My journey with Christ is still pretty new. It’s been just over three years since I (re)dedicated my life to God and His will for my life.
Music speaks to me, and always has. I loved country music when I was a teenager/young adult because of the stories they told. When I started listening to Christian music, I became hooked. As I began studying Scripture, I fell in love with this genre even more because it became another source of Scripture for me. I still get excited when I hear a song and recognize God’s Word within it.
Broken Hallelujah (The Afters) resonated with me when we received troubling news about Caitlin, 20 weeks into the pregnancy. I remember sharing it with my husband, crying as I listened to the lyrics. That song still takes me back to that moment. In those days and weeks, I offered up a lot of broken Hallelujah’s: praises to God, promising to trust in His plan, even though the journey seemed overwhelming and uncertain.
So, it’s really no surprise to me that God is using music again to keep me connected to Him. It’s His way right now, I believe, of keeping me by His side. I found myself tonight with some alone time, and though I’d rather go read a book for fun, I decided to open a devotional my grandmother bought for me. It’s a coloring book devotional. So, I turned on some music and colored.
The past couple days have actually been pretty good. I’ve felt functional. I haven’t dissolved into tears of sadness. I feel guilty typing that because I don’t want to paint this picture of me being “over” my grief. I’m not. But I do feel blessed for the peace God has granted me the past few days.
One of the songs that really hits home with me is Just Be Held by Casting Crowns. I wrote about this song before, but tonight listening to it a new part of the song grabbed hold of my heart:
“So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held.
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held.”
Truth: Answers seem so far away right now. I don’t understand the necessity for Lorrie’s passing. I trust God’s plan, I know it’s perfect, but it doesn’t make it easier to understand right now.
Truth: I’m not alone. But I am trying to hold on. I’m trying to hold on to my doubt and uncertainty because it feels too soon to give that to God. When I let go of my doubt and uncertainty . . . when I let go of my wondering why this happened . . . I know I’ll have even more peace. But it’s only been a month, and I’m not ready to fully give it to Him. It’s hard to explain.
Truth: My world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. This truth seems so insensitive, but it’s not. When I trust God’s plan, I trust something good will come out of this devastation. I have to believe that, because if I don’t, then this has all been for nothing. But her life meant something, and her death means something. Unfortunately, the path to everlasting life is not all rainbows and unicorns. I read this week, “It is necessary to pass through many troubles on our way into the kingdom of God.” (Acts 14:22)
Truth: God is on the throne. He is the Author of my story, and He isn’t in the business of writing tragedies. All of His stories are good. Perfect. And they lead to a beautiful world free of pain, suffering, disease, death, sadness, anxiety, and all the other bad things that entered this world with The Fall.
I am feeling blessed tonight. Blessed to have had such a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law. Blessed to have watched her create wonderful memories with my children. Blessed to be married to such a great man, raised by a loving mom. Blessed that my Heavenly Father loves me and does not abandon me. Even though I struggle to open my Bible and read Scripture, He is giving me peace. Spending time listening to worship music and coloring, He has held me tonight.
Stop holding on. Just be held.