I feel the need to apologize. I have been consumed by grief, and I’m learning just how selfish it is (as my beautiful friend keeps reminding me). Prior to experiencing this myself, I never would have dreamed it would be so hard.
I’m sorry I don’t reach out as much as I did before. I’m trying, and as I move along in this process I hope it becomes more natural again. Right now, I spend some days just trying to make it to the end of the day without falling apart. Some days, I look and feel more normal, only to have a wave of sadness crush me from no where.
Right now, I don’t have much going on besides trying to work through the loss our family experienced. It may seem like enough time has passed that I should be able to talk about something else, but sometimes I can’t. The entire dynamic has changed for my family and it is a new experience for us all. Our world is different now than it was a little over a month ago, but your world is likely the same. It’s hard for me to understand because the impact to me has been so significant, yet life continues to go on.
I’m learning there is no timeline for grief. Some days, I feel like chatting and being “normal” but there are other days when simply talking to someone outside my family or close circle of friends is difficult. Culturally, it seems there is an expectation for grief to be short lived . . . but it’s not that way. My family is all grieving differently, so we all have different ways of coping. We will also grieve for different lengths of time. The book I’m reading, and the advice I’ve heard from a friend, is that the first year is tough. Which means in all likelihood, I have another 11 months of feeling okay some days and other days being knocked down by the waves of this storm.
If you ask me “how are you?” please be prepared for an honest answer. I don’t have the energy to fake my feelings right now. My answer may make you uncomfortable, because seeing others grieve is uncomfortable. Please know, this doesn’t make you a bad person just as it doesn’t make me a bad person. I am a terrible person to try and comfort someone else because other’s sadness makes me uncomfortable. I simply don’t know what they need. Right now, in my grief, I don’t know what I need either. It helps me to talk about it, but I’m not comfortable doing this with everyone.
Thank you for being there and supporting me through an incredibly difficult time. We have felt your love and prayers. They have been a comfort to us.
I’m not a good friend right now, and for that I am sorry. I can’t tell you when my life will return back to normal. I’m not convinced I’ll ever be exactly the same person I was before, but I do pray God will use this experience for good. Bear with me. If you can’t, I understand. Please forgive me for what seems like a lack of interest in your life and know I think of you and pray for you.
Your Grieving Friend