You Have My Attention

Lord, you have my attention.  Some days, it’s good.  I praise You for the blessings.  Other days, it’s not so good.  I tell You repeatedly how hurt and angry I am.  How little sense this all makes.  Why in the world do bad things keep happening? 

Grief is a funny thing.  Not funny ha-ha but in the sense of it’s unpredictable reappearance.  Some days feel like I’m reliving those first few shocking days of our new reality.  

In all honesty, I’ve been grieving for 18 months.  I spent nearly a year grieving the loss of my life in West Virginia after we moved to Ohio in March 2016.  In January, my family proclaimed 2017 to be a great year.  I accepted my new reality and pushed through the sadness to embrace our new community.

On March 30, 2017 my mother in law suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.  We had no opportunity to say goodbye to her. Now, I find myself in a different season of grief.  

Lord, you have my attention.

The past few weeks have been hard.  We’ve celebrated her birthday and the first Mother’s Day without her.  My son, youngest daughter, and father in law were involved in a minor bike accident, which affected us mentally more than it would have three months ago.  The phone call brought back memories of the phone call in March.  The uncertainty in the moments it took to run down the street to them brought back the anger at God.  Not again.  We can’t handle any more.  My dear friend explained to me events like this can seem more traumatic after a death because feelings resurface.

And then on Friday, I received a heartbreaking text from another dear friend.  My own grief again overwhelmed me and continues to rear its head as she proceeds to cope with her own loss.  My heart breaks for her, and selfishly again for me.  For my family.  

Lord, you have my attention.

I don’t understand.  I am angry.  I am tired of my faith being tested.  I cannot handle anymore.

And in the quiet, I hear:

You aren’t meant to understand.  I can handle your anger.  Your faith will be so much stronger after this refinement.  I am your strength.

Praise You, Lord, for being near the broken-hearted.

Praise You, Lord, for not abandoning me even though my faith feels thin at times.

You have my full attention.  I’m ready to hear You.


Jennifer 💕

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