Sometimes, trying to find the right words to write is tough. This past week, I participated in a prayer vigil for a young woman in our old hometown who is battling cancer. Each night, Bible in hand, I prayed for her and praised God for His work. It was an amazing experience! This morning, I read some great news in an update from her family. I found myself moved to tears.
Mostly tears of joy and awe at how faithful God has been in their lives.
Then, I felt the crushing weight of grief. And my tears of joy have turned into tears of sadness for me and my family. Today marks 13 weeks since we lost Lorrie. So unexpectedly, I didn’t even get a chance to pray for God to heal her. While I am thankful she didn’t suffer, the selfish part of me mourns the fact that we didn’t get to properly say goodbye. We didn’t get to ask God to change the outcome. I mean, I did – I prayed for it to not be true. And some days, I can kid myself into believing she really is just on vacation somewhere.
We are getting ready to go on vacation together, my father in law and brother in law included. As I’m preparing for this trip, I keep thinking how happy Lorrie would be. How happy she is. I know she’s watching over us, and I know this trip is exactly what she wants for us.
The hard part of grieving is that I can go days – weeks – remembering her with a smile, focusing on the fact that she has been made whole and is spending her days with her father and Jesus. I’ve been able to lend support to my oldest daughter who has been having a tough time. I try to say the right things to my husband, who misses his mother terribly. And then, it just takes a song . . . or something as wonderful as good news for a much deserving family . . . and I’m overtaken by the crushing weight of loss.
Yesterday, I heard the song “I Can Only Imagine” and I started thinking about that day. I don’t know how it works exactly, but I choose to believe she was initially greeted by her dad, who she lost in 2005. And I wonder about her response to seeing Jesus face to face. If you haven’t heard the song, it’s really good and in it, they describe the different reactions they think they might have on that day.
As hard as the past few months have been, I am finding more strength through her quiet faith. I know she’s in heaven. I know she’s with us. I know she would want us to stand firm in our faith. I still question why this had to happen, why she couldn’t stay here with us. I think I will as long as I am here on earth. I’m continuing to choose to trust in His plan.
“Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! / Serve the Lord with gladness! / Come into His presence with singing! / Know that the Lord, he is God! / It is he who made us, and we are his; / we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. / Enter his gates with thanksgiving, / and his courts with praise! / Give thanks to him; bless his name! / For the Lord is good; / his steadfast love endures forever, / and his faithfulness to all generations” Psalm 100
I’ve been ending my prayer time with this praise, and I’m going to focus on it today as my grief threatens to overwhelm me. Lorrie would want us to be happy and filled with joy. I know she is.
Please pray (or continue to pray) for the Cobb family and praise God for His answer to the prayers.