To My Angel Baby

Eleven years ago, I spent the day on the couch in pain. Physical pain, but also emotional pain like I hadn’t yet experienced.

Just days prior, I nervously took the pregnancy test and felt pure joy when the faint line became visible. Being our first pregnancy, I shared the news with everyone: family, friends, and co-workers.

Lying on the couch, curled up in the fetal position, I called out to a God I didn’t know well. Why would you let this happen? How will I get through this?

For years, I kept this loss close to my heart. It seemed an insignificant loss compared to others. Had I not taken the test, I wouldn’t have known about the baby. The faint pink lines forever embedded the love only a parent understands on my heart. I didn’t need to feel him or hear his heartbeat to love him. Once I knew he existed, my heart loved.

I used to wonder if I would ever meet our angel baby. Now, I know. God had a purpose in the pain. One day, I will meet our sweet baby. I am confident on this, the 11th anniversary of my loss, our baby is celebrating eternal life with Jesus and Lorrie. With his great-grandparents who preceded him.

A month later, to the day, I took another pregnancy test. The line was not faint and again my heart, nervously, loved. God blessed us with a beautiful girl, and then with a son and second daughter.

It all happened according to His great plan.  January 24 serves as a reminder to me that, sometimes, God takes away.  But He can make beauty out of the ashes.

Even then, before I knew Him like I do now, He loved me.  He bottled my tears and stood beside me, comforting me in my pain.

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.”  Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

I like to think God shows my angel baby this container.  He points out the tears from that day and tells that sweet soul, “See?  She loved you so much, even before she knew you.”

Oh, how God loves us.  Even before we know Him, He loves us.  He’s there with us.

Whatever pain you are going through, or have been through, He is with you.  He is bottling your tears. He feels your pain.

One day, though we may never understand why we have to experience loss, we will see God’s blessing.  I will forever feel pain and sadness for the sweet soul God took back to be with Him.  Eleven years later, though, through tear-stained eyes, I can praise Him for all the blessings He has given me.  Eleven years later, I can see the beauty from the ashes.


Jennifer 💕

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