Sadness overwhelms me around this time each year. My conflicted emotions battle when I think of our loss, but I allow myself to grieve in January. The anniversary of our miscarriage weighs on me. I feel guilty allowing myself to cry for two reasons. First, I knew about the pregnancy for mere days when I lost it. Second, I became pregnant with Lauren a month after our loss. We wouldn’t have Lauren if I hadn’t miscarried. January 24 is always a hard day, though.
It dawned on me earlier this week that in heaven and for eternity I will be a mom of four. I will be reunited with our first child one precious day. The tears still fall, but for the first time I feel hope and anticipation. I think of our child as a girl, though I’m not sure why. I wonder what she will look like. I wonder what it will be like for us to be a complete family. I hope she forgives me for not always thinking of myself as a mom of four. So many others have experienced loss later in pregnancy or in life, and in the past thought our loss was so early it didn’t count.The emergency room nurse told me if I would have never known about the pregnancy if I had waited a few more days to take the test. I believe life begins at conception. The loss is real to me. Now, I allow my grief to surface without trying to push it down. Each year seems to be a little harder, not easier.
I found myself thinking about our child with Lorrie. I wonder if she and her grandchild were reunited right away. When I think of Lorrie in heaven, I imagine her basking in the warmth on a beach with her father. I imagined a child playing in the sand in front of her this week. I can hear the laughter as Bobby makes jokes. I can see our child embracing her grandmother. Reunited.
I read a book recently on the Great Restoration (I’ll be writing more about that in the next few weeks/months) and it has changed my outlook on eternity. I am so grateful God pursued me. I am grateful for the difficult path that led me to Him. I am grateful for Jesus because He is my Living Hope. I know one day I will meet our first child. I know we’ll be reunited as a family, living out eternity the way God intended. This Hope is what I cling to when my heart hurts.
I write to remember . . . to honor. I would love to remember and honor your loss, as well. Feel free to email, message, or comment with your story and your loved one’s information. I will be praying for you, and I encourage you to cling to the hope of reunion one day. In perfection, for eternity. I love you, sweet child. 1/24/07